Planning = Pain

I plan ahead. I even plan about when I will be planning things. When plans change or someone else's plans interfere with mine, I do not deal well with it. Being a friend and family member of people who are not planners and that seem to like changes/last minute planning means that I'm sent into a crazy frenzy frequently. Then the stress headaches appear. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could just let go and go with the flow, but I'm fairly certain it's not in my DNA. My mom self diagnosed us with C O D. Yep, I said COD. Since it wasn't an official diagnosis my mom insisted that we had COD instead of OCD because a disorder like that should be in alphabetical order! True story. So, if you have super helpful hints on how a weirdo like myself could better deal with changes, send them my way because this girl is over the stress of it all. And, I'm sure my wonderful husband would thank you if any of it actually worked. :)

A letter to my mom on her birthday

Dear Mom,

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Of your beautiful face, bright red lips, the way it felt when you hugged me. It’s so hard to believe that today you would have been only 53 years old and that this is the second birthday we’ll spend without you.

I never thought we would lose you so young. Even when you were first diagnosed and then each time the cancer came back, you were so strong and so determined, you made the rest of us believe that you would always beat it and that you would live forever. When I turned 25 just two weeks after your 50th birthday we joked about how never again would I be exactly half your age, the age you were when you finally held your first baby in your arms. We had no idea that we only had about 18 more months with together.

When you started losing feeling in your left arm and then the intense pain started….you looked so small when you were in so much pain, but you still did so much, were there for so many people and not showing many people your pain. I was happy for you when they got the pain under control, and so inspired with all the things you could with only 1 functioning arm. You had decided that you were going to finish making stockings for everyone and not having an arm didn’t stop you.

I wish I could express everything that I’ve felt, everything that I continue to feel…there just aren’t words. I miss you so much. I miss you every day. Everything event that the kids have, you would be there. You never missed a single event. You were the best “meemaw” that has ever lived. I have no doubt about that. You loved my kids more than I had ever dreamed possible and they knew it too. Elijah has such wonderful memories of you and the kids still talk about you all the time. I know Norah was too young to actually have memories, but she still talks about you all the time and I’m not sure that she will be able to separate Elijah’s memories from her own because he’s talked about you non-stop since you left us. They are one of the reasons I’ve been able to get through this whole thing so well. I will not forget the day after you died, little 4 year old Elijah looked at me with his sweet little face that bears your lips and asked why I was crying. I told him it was because you were gone and I was sad. He very confidently said, “But mom, she’s in heaven with God now and God made her all better! Why don’t you want her to be in heaven with God?” That was a moment I will never forget. That statement brought me great comfort and pride. I was so proud that as a mother now I was able to teach my young son something that you taught me from a very young age and it reassured me, like you always did, that I was doing ok in the mom department. I wasn’t sure how to tell the kids of your death and worried about that. But, if my little son could get through this and be so confident of where his meemaw was and how she was doing, then so could I.

So much has happened since you left us on September 9, 2010. I hope that there’s some way you can see us from heaven. See what’s going on with your family and smile down on us. There’s something awesome going on in our family that you would be so excited about. Your grandkids have done so many things you would have bragged about and carried pictures around showing everyone you meet.

I call dad every day after work now like I used to do with you. It’s good. You know we still drive each other crazy and fight sometimes, but you’d be happy about our relationship now. We don’t fight nearly as much, even without you here to mediate.  In those moments that I just need a second opinion about something like the kids being sick or something going on, those moments when I used to call you…sometimes I just cry. But, then I pick up the phone and call Amber or Molly or Leah or Aunt Lori. Of course the advice isn’t quite the same as yours because no one knew me like you did, but we do alright. We are making it without you, which I never thought was possible. You were the glue that held our family together. The one that made everything work. But, we’ve re-glued the family together and we are all taking different roles to make it happen. We’re all doing ok.

I miss you so much, but I just know that this was God’s plan. I truly believe that there is a reason and a purpose for everything under heaven, but I can’t wait for the day that we are all together again. I love you so much momma. You were my best friend, one that can never be replaced.

Love,
Your little Rachie girl

Blogs

Everyone has a blog.

I have this blog, and have written many, many blog posts. But, they are all in my head and never published. I always tell myself, oh, I have this perfect blog post and I'm going to write it and publish my very first blog post tonight! But, the first blog post should be something cool, not just something random, right? I mean, all the posts after that can be whatever pops into my head, but that first one should be important, set the tone for the whole blog...so, I can't actually publish a blog until I think of that one. That one post that will define all the rest. So....I never post anything. Not one single word because it's not perfect. Because I over think things and I want everything to be perfect...so I do nothing instead.

Really good plan Rachel. I mean, it's not like anyone is actually going to read anything that I write anyway, right?

My brain...it's a complicated thing. This is really how I think. Also, I have really bad grammar and spelling/punctuation skills.

Oh and the name of this blog? Once a solicitor called our house and asked for Mrs. Hernonadon. I thought it was hilarious and that it would be a great dinosaur name. The End.